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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough. TEACHER: *looks around nervously*

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Me after making a recipe I found on the internet.

Breaking this seal constitutes acceptance of the End User License Agreement. ME: *opens it from the bottom*

The best part about cooking your own food is the confidence that any hair you find in it is yours.

$What I think about in math class. The f*** is this? The f*** is that?$

SIGN: Batman Returns .. his books to the library.

60 percent of people in the world are dumb. Glad I'm in the other 30 percent.

My wife and I decided to not have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

How girls check the oven on social media.

SIGNS: Skyfall movie poster next to Lincoln movie poster Rather unfortunate ad placement.

SIGN: Turkish Airlines flying downward

Pooping for an average of 10 minutes each work day equals 40 hours of paid vacation each year.

SIGN: No urinating in public. ALSO SIGN: Cameras will film you and you will be a Youtube star.

Dads hate stopping on road trips because then all of the vehicles they worked hard to pass for the last hour get back ahead of them.

What legos do when we're not looking.

Being an adult is mostly just going to bed when you don't want to and also waking up when you don't want to.

SIGN: This is how we straighten teeth.

CAR TAG: 370HSSV CAR TAG (upside down): A******

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