YOU "BETA" BELIEVE IT!

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Paledine - Memes

Inspirational movies be like .. Villian who trainer his whole life. Hero who did a 2 month crash course

I told my daughter she couldn't go see the Barbie movie because it's PG-13 and she's 9. She was like

O*** F***, but it's elderly women showing you how to cook family recipes, sew, garden, can food, make sourdough starters, knit and be sassy without giving AF what anyone thinks.

You wake up in the middle of the night and see this. What do you do? Breathe a sigh of relief knowing I'm not going to have to go to work tomorrow.

My 14 year old is babysitting for the first time, and I just received this text form him. 14yo: So once they're all asleep do I just go or wait Me: Yes, honey, you have to stay the whole time. They aren't old enough to be left alone. 14yo: Ah okay thanks

Me: fed up with my daughter's attitude My daughter: same attitude as me

Every gamer's reaction upon finding a blood-covered room: well that's not good. I am pretty sure that is not exclusive just to gamers.

At the point in life where I can clean my house to the music I used to get drunk to.

Stop giving me your toughest battles It's a bookcase from IKEA which you bought. Why are you crying?

Pet rent is the stupidest concept I've ever heard of how do you except my cat to pay a month. She is unemployed.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I've never done* YouTube video: In this 30 minute video- Me: I can take it from here.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch Exec: Oh boy, here we go Tim Burton: It's a love story Exec: Go on Tim Burton: About two people from different parts of town Exec: Sounds pretty cute actually Tim Burton: Oh and he's super emo and has scissors for hands Exec: There it is.

The weatherman: Dress for the mid 80s today. Me and the boys:

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word Me: Hired Interviewer 2: [whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

My neighbor's cat got our cat pregnant. I was joking with him that they would have to pay Child-Support. When I opened the door this morning; this is what I saw..

Darth Vader: I killed three planets Thanos: I killed half the universe Voldemort: I uhh... almost killed this one kid like 7 times Thanos: a kid, really Darth Vader: Wow Voldemort: You don't know the power of a mother's love okay

Start every phone call with

Know your car warning Lights!

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot.

They should make an app for people with anxiety or depression that will have extroverts make phone calls and appointments for them.

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